is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
