Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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