Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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