five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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