Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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