You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
