This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize