Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize