Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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