I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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