"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
