I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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