I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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