When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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