The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
