That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
