How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
