Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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