How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
