He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I deserve this hangover.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
