its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
