i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
