Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
