o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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