The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize