my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
