I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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