God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
