You can't special order awesome
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
