Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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