Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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