My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
