i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
you never un-have a 4some
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
