so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
