remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
