She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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