I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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