my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
