I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
