I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
