hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize