if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
