I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
