its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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