Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
