I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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