Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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