I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
