Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
