i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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