why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
