I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My life is pants optional.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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