Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
