you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
