you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
