I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
did you just send me my own nude
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
