I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize