i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
