Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i was born a porn star she said
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
