A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
