im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just pee around me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
