I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize