Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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